I’m on a Plane

I just paid $12.95 so I could complain to you live from the sky.

Let’s rephrase that and say that I am going to rant, or wait, musing sounds better. I shall offer you my musings from the sky. There. That sounds far less angsty. Musings from the sky sound almost arty.

This changes nothing about the fact that my first musing is a complaint in the form of a question.

While reading this, please keep in mind my first flight left D.C. at 5:45am and I actually woke up at 3:30. Maybe raving would be a better word.

1) It is 7:15 in the morning and I am in row 6. How can you possibly already be out of breakfast sandwiches? This must be why the line at the bagel place in the Charlotte Airport was so long. Also, I think the tomato juice I am drinking has gone bad. This must be why I usually mix it with vodka.

2) I am reading Rob Sheffield’s book “Talking to Girls About Duran Duran” and I love it so much that I am considering doing a copycat series called “Talking to Boys About Metal”. Of course, I can’t use the lines “I can look back on my acting career secure in the knowledge that Tom Willis has seen my Duncan” or “My bone structure would have been an undeniable asset if I’d been a future Eastern European tranny underwear model, yet it was a stigma for a high school boy in that time and place.” like Sheffield did (causing me to actually laugh out loud and wake up the girl trying to sleep in the middle seat) but I think mine will still be interesting.

Also, if you listened to a lot of music in the ’80s you should totally read this book. It even has a chapter about Oates.

3) I have not yet cried on this flight, but if my disc is attempting to herniate as I suspect there is still plenty of time.

4) These things are all true.

5) There is nothing like a man in an orange robe in an airport to make your brain regurgitate every line from “Airplane!”

• I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande.
• Don’t call me Shirley.
• A hospital! What is it? A Big building with patients, but that isn’t important right now.
• Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
• Do you like movies about gladiators?
• Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

6) Hey, do you guys remember when I used to write posts that weren’t in list form? That was awesome.

7) It is very possible that the girl next to me on the plane (the one I woke up laughing earlier) is listening to ABBA. I kind of want to dance. It could also be Ace of Base. No, that is definitely ABBA. She must also be reading this as I type, she just turned it down. Neat.

That is all for now. I know I complain about airlines a lot, but onboard wifi is about the best thing in the world. I am off to ponder my Talking to Boys About Metal series. Do you think I could get a book deal out of this? Do you think Rob Sheffield would sue me? Would I have to do a book tour? I ask because flying makes me weird.

Clearly.